Secrets may make you sick... but sharing them is no walk in the park either

Telling my co-workers that I had decided to attempt to move to South Africa was much more difficult that I thought it would be. I had a well thought out plan to quickly announce my departure at the end of Friday afternoon staff meeting. Well, at the time it seemed like it was well concieved. Tic-toc-tic-toc... 4:30 arrives. Time to wrap up the staff meeting. People start to leave and I quickly share that I my last day will be July 16th because I have a wonderful opportunity to go to South Africa. Just as I had rehearsed. Ok, good. I field a couple questions and quickly head down the hall to my office. I work there for another hour or so until the office empties of all my co-workers. I think to myself that it went pretty well. There were a few gasps and looks of disbelief. And a couple people were sobbing a little. But I figure that is just because change is hard to accept... and the staff meeting did get a little intense.

I shut down the computer, close the blinds and meet two co-workers for a couple drinks. I had told them the news earlier in the week. I enjoy talking with them. As we talk my confidence in their professionalism and insight grows. See, things will be fine- maybe better- without me. They share some insights about the meeting with me. Including information that somebody left the meeting sobbing. They assert it was specifically because of the news I was leaving. They say some very nice things about me and my work. It felt sincere and it was very nice to hear. Yep, things will be all right.

I process the afternoon and evening as I carefully navigate the 23 miles back to my apartment. I arrive at my place nearly in tears. I open the door to my apartment and emotions explode from me like fireworks. And not just any kind of firework. It was like the kind with the cardboard tube that you gently fill with the brightly-colored, spherical explosive with the really, really long wick. The wick that you light, quickly turn and run before you hear the ka-boom of the explosive that flies super high in the air until it bursts overhead in a bazillion directions. It was like that kind.

I'm not even sure why. I think a part of me was just saddened by an overwhelming sense of loss. The loss of a job I cared about. The loss of people that I care about. And the inability to feel like I could really fully articulate to those that mattered most most to me. The loss of familiarity. At the same time, another part of me felt like I was letting people down by leaving. Not that the good work wouldn't continue, but that I was abandoning an effort, or rather a vision, and casting it aside for others to battle without me. And yet another part of me felt like I really didn't matter at all. That, really, nobody cared in the first place and my contribution's of the past would be washed away with the spring rains. The intense emotions sprayed, fell and faded only to have new ones burst. I fell asleep crying. I woke up crying; my eyes red and puffy and my cheeks crusted with salt.

The effects of telling my closest friends proved to be even more difficult and longer lasting. This isn't going to be easy.